As you probably know if you’ve seen any of my other blogs or follow me on social media, I moved to Serbia! I’m currently entering my third week here and am finding myself to be settling in nicely. However, that was not the case upon my arrival.
Anywhere you go away from home you’re going to feel some sort of discomfort. I’ve come to find that people usually feel it right away or in between the second and third months. When I was in Spain it didn’t hit me until my second month when I finally had time to relax and truly comprehend how much my life had just changed in what seemed like the blink of an eye.
It was my mistake to think that the exact same thing would happen to me this time around. I really set myself up for failure in hindsight. I thought that since I’ve done it before I had it all figured out. I knew how I would feel, what I would think, when I would cry, if I would miss home, etc. Well, boy was I wrong! This time was completely different in every way, shape, and form. I had a completely different purpose for leaving, I was going to a different country, I’d be surrounded by a new language and culture, I’d be living in a new apartment, the list goes on!
That being said, it was a roller coaster of emotions from the second Nenad and I were driving home from the airport until my fourth morning here. There’s a lot of things that constantly remind me how much I love Nenad, and the initial three days just added to that list. I felt so terrible for him putting up with the mess that I was. But of course, he handled it with ease and was the loving, understanding and supportive boyfriend he always is.
It’s always funny to look back at why you’re crying. Sometimes we cry for absolutely no good reason except at that moment that’s what you felt like you needed to do. That was me, that was why I was crying. I didn’t have just one reason, I had a million and one swirling around in my head but none making any actual sense. Sometimes fear itself can make us cry. I realized what I had done, the decision that I made and that I had reached the point of no return the second I got on the plane and left San Francisco. But I was far past that point, 24 hours almost exactly, and that’s what got me good. The realization that my family and friends are far out of any physical reach and that I truly don’t know when I’ll see them again. That’s quite a lot for one brain to comprehend at what felt like the exact same moment.
By the third day, I was sick of crying randomly. Honestly, I was over it more than Nenad. But I just couldn’t stop! Trying to suppress everything I was feeling made it much worse than just discussing my fears out loud and moving on from them. But sometimes when you talk about things they become more real than they already are in your head. That also can be scary. So I didn’t. I let my fear get the best of me and just cried myself to sleep, again.
Let me be clear that I in no way, shape or form for any moment of time regretted the decision that I had made. I love Nenad very much and I was always and still am looking forward to the new adventure that we’ve decided to take on together. It was never a sadness for what I had left behind, it was just a sadness realizing that my old life had come to an end. I called my father, trying to mask the sadness inside, but he knows me too well and although he didn’t bring it up directly, he offered words that soothed my soul.
The fourth night I had by far the greatest meltdown. I mean it was quite a show. Poor Nenad, I mean honestly, the man is a gem. I’m a very lucky girl. I had a full-on anxiety attack over nothing and that was the worst part, that I knew it was over absolutely nothing! So he carried me to bed and laid me down and when I was finally exhausted and falling asleep I told myself that I am going to handle this the way I did in Spain, that I am telling myself tonight is where it ends and that will be it. That’s exactly what I did. I looked at myself long and hard and told myself that I know I’m better than this, stronger than this, that Nenad deserves better than this and that I do too. I also deserve to be happy!
So I woke up the next morning and put a smile on my face. I looked at the window and saw the snow, a completely different environment than where I lived in California, and I counted my blessings. I thought about how lucky I was to be able to experience such a different climate. I looked at the buildings and the people walking and thought about how awesome it is to wake up in a whole new world, with plenty to explore. I changed my mindset. Sometimes, that’s what it’s all about. You. You in your own head. You wrapped up in your own thoughts.
I haven’t turned back since. Not a tear has been shed and not an ounce of sadness has been felt. Here’s to me and my new beginning.