Believe it or not, outside of my immediate family, I only told a handful of people I’m moving to Serbia. Off the top of my mind, I can think of six of my closest friends who I made the conscious and intentional decision to let them in on the next adventure I would embark upon. It’s not that it was a secret and I truly was never hiding it. But when I only have X amount of days left in the country, I want to spend it with those who have consistently been in my life, not anyone who wants to come around now that I’m leaving. Speaking from previous experience, I knew that it would happen if I made it known.
When I went to Spain I made all these announcements about my decisions and the countdown until I left the country and so on. Looking back I think I wasted so much time meeting up and getting coffee with people who had no intention of keeping the friendship with me once I left, but definitely wanted to post a picture that they got to say goodbye. I don’t mean that in a way where I think people are so fascinated by me that they put on a facade to spend time with me. But I think it’s human nature to want to be in on the “know” of what is happening in the lives of others.
I’ve lied to old friends, ex-boyfriends, and even distant family about my plans for after my graduation… and I don’t feel bad about it. It’s my life, my decision, my excitement and I don’t have to share it with anyone I don’t want to. Selfish? Maybe. But am I happier this way? Absolutely.
I’ve done a lot of fighting with myself in the last six months about putting my happiness first. Our society labels those who do that as selfish, uncaring, rude, etc. Why is making yourself happy such a bad thing? Why is making decisions for yourself and no one else selfish? It’s such a weird concept that I feel like it is strongly implemented into American values and standards. I’ve been trying to figure out how to balance it in such a way that I feel happy with my life and with myself, while also pleasing everyone else… it’s difficult.
Deciding to not tell everyone was one of those fights for me. I went back and forth and back and forth. But hey, they only love you when you’re gone right!
To those reading this who I didn’t tell, I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you feel like I didn’t care enough to tell you. That’s not it at all. I either haven’t seen you recently, we aren’t close anymore or I just didn’t get the chance! It’s not the first thing on my brain when I see my friends. As strange as that sounds after a few weeks it became old news for me. I knew back in July that I’d be moving, so I got most of the new excitement out of the way in that first month.
You know now though and I hope that you’re as excited for me as I am for myself. If that’s the case, thank you. Thank you for the support on a tough decision. If you aren’t, that’s okay too. We all get to choose how to live our lives, you don’t need to worry about how I’m living mine.